Greetings from a control enthusiast,

I was raised by Caribbean Adventists and military officers, one of whom also happens to be a Virgo. For 10 years, I was a competitive gymnast and am currently a competitive diver. I share all that to say: 

I am well versed in the dynamics of control. 

When I first discovered that I had bipolar disorder, my first instinct was to figure out how to completely control the internal and external factors that triggered my emotional extremes. I sought to become a robot with a simplified switch panel to manage any and all circumstances. 

I was capable of living my low-emotion, robotic existence for about 4.5 years before everything fell apart. 

Any illusion of control I had in every area of my life was violently snatched away. 

As a result, I went in the opposite direction and decided I had no control over anything, and so none of my choices mattered. For a while, I was just free-falling and having existential crises every other month to no end. 

Finally, I came across this concept that created some peace in my spirit. 

Control Is Not The Same Thing As Responsibility. 

Controlling my life fully is a futile effort because there is always a sacred percentage left up to chance. So when I sought comfort through control, it was often tinged with a sense of impending doom.

Knowing that there were unknowable factors, feeling the massive gaps between my reach and the possibilities, wishing for a sterile vacuum in which to live my life. 

I kept grasping after control and being reminded that it was not going to save me.

Trying to fully control my life felt like a battle I fought and lost everyday. But when I transitioned to taking full responsibility for my life, I found my equilibrium. 

I discussed this more in my recent video about autonomy!

Responsibility allows me to control what is mine and leave room for divine mystery. Taking responsibility allows me to be active in my life without exhausting myself trying to control every little detail. 

What’s Mine vs Ours

Another aspect of this dynamic is that my life has never felt like it was mine fully. I hope somebody is studying the psychological landscape of children of immigrants because I think this is a common feeling among us. 

Since I can remember, I have been an amalgamation of several generations’ hopes, dreams, and aspirations they couldn’t reach in their lifetime. Holding the burden and blessing of that can at times generate dissonance between my desire for autonomy and my desire to serve my community. 

I’m still learning how to verbalize this phenomenon but I did want to give space to the experience. 

What Responsibility Looks & Feels Like To Me

I am 1000% in the midst of truly embodying this lesson about the difference between control and responsibility. I’m constantly forgetting that control is not the answer or the goal. And sometimes I still despair and relinquish my agency when things feel overwhelming. 

For the past couple of years though, this has been my rough framework for taking responsibility: 

1. Decide (or ask my ancestral team) what part of the situation is mine to hold, and what I will leave up to divine forces
2. Continuously corral my thoughts and actions towards I determined in step 1 was mine to hold and fuss over. 
3. Do whatever practices help me maintain my faith that the aforementioned divine forces will deliver on their part better than I ever could. 

Taking full responsibility for my life means reveling in this ongoing push and pull. It is practicing surrender without apathy. 

And most shockingly, taking responsibility has been a deeply spiritual practice and an exploration of belief as discipline. 

It’s been a major mental adjustment, but the positive impact has been well worth it!

Questions of The Week

• What’s your relationship to control?
• What needs to be true for you to [think about] surrender?

Content Roundup

Check out episode 2 of my Energetic Experiments Series. It’s about the simple practice that helped me: 

• Have the biggest cash month in my business
• Regulate my nervous system when I started to panic
• Experience more creative flow

Plus it was really fun video to make 🤩